tonying

            I have invested in a new company that specializes in manpower and management, sort of a recruitment agency. It was a hard earned cash, but my investments was not to be put in vain,  I supposed, since my intentions are very noble. It is to help people. There are a lot of companies and factories that need workers, and there are just too many unemployed Filipinos now a days. Our  company was to be a bridge, for employers seeking workers and people who seeks work.

            Though my current profession is not that financially regarding, I still think I’m very blessed.  I always thought I could have better job since I know I could do better, but have always been too afraid to quit, mainly because I don’t want to  belong to the group of people who do nothing, meaning, jobless. Its hard, having experienced it myself. The boredom, the low self esteem, the could-have-beens. So In my own little way, we set up this small company. We knew It’s not gonna be easy, but we never thought It will be this hard.

            It was all set, permits and registration has been accomplished, except for one. It was the certification from the Department of Labor. We expected they will be assisting us, in every way possible, since we are doing this nation a favor. But sadly, to our disappointment, they did not. In fact, they put our  nearly completed company on hold. Saying that we lack the capital, we lack some papers, we missed out some forms. In fact, we all have submitted their requirements, and in the end, what they actually wanted is money. Our capital is just around Forty Thousand Pesos. People from the labor department demanded Fifty Thousand Pesos. We don’t have that much.

            I work almost 24 hours a day, since I live in the farm, and always on call even in the middle of the night, in my deepest sleep. It’s from the very fruit of my hard labor that I got my investment from. But these government people want to have as much as my four months’ worth of hard work just for lifting their pen and signing our papers.

            Our agency, the company that meant to help jobless people is now up in the air and very much non operational. Thanks to the government agency that’s suppose to be providing and protecting laborers. Indeed, an irony, the one who’s supposed to help people are the ones who’s killing those who are willing to help.

               i just hope this is just a phase our company is going through, sort of a labor pain  when giving birth, only this time, a birth of a company with a noble cause.

I  have 10 goldfish, 3 red cap orandas and 7 shubunkins. They are the most beautiful goldfish, my orandas are glowing red, fins and tails are long. When they swim they look like fairies floating in mid air. My shubunkins are of the finest breed. Nice colors. Its tail are long and tip of tails are round, as if they were cut by scissors. These fishes have been my companion for quite sometime. I smile everytime I enter my home because they greet me, they go to the corner of my aquarium, swim so enthusiastically. And to think they only do that when I’m around. My fishes knew me. I loved my fishes. And today I watched they die.

            I came to a phase just this week. Suddenly, I had all the energy to reorganize my home, my office, and my room. For 3 straight days I  turned my place upside down, cleaning, washing, dusting everything. I have a severe allergy to dust mites, and I haven’t had an attack for weeks. Could barely breathe when it hits me and I don’t want it to happen again ever. My aquarium haven’t been cleaned for months. So I had it cleaned. And in the process my fishes got killed.

            In my solitude, these fishes consoled me. In my loneliness, they somewhat cheered me up. I don’t like dogs, they stink. And I hate cats, their meows annoy me, and they do have a lot of fur. So I opt to my cockatiels, parakeets, shubunkins and orandas. I do love them. And now I’m in grief. Some people would even find it silly that I get so affected by my loss. After all, they were just some fish. But they were my fish. And I loved them.

Im so drunk. drunk as I should be. Drunk as I always wanted to be. Intoxicated with alcohol, intoxicated with life, intoxicated with living, intoxicate with everything! Im just so damn tired of my life! So damn tired of my environment! so damn tired of everything. And to think that i have never been so damn upset of what life brings me. i have just so much of everything, i guess. Vauge? hazy? unclear? yup, thats just me. me and my statements. me and my self. me and my decisions. always unclear. always unpredictable. always uncomprehendable. its me, yes. just me. another phase. another stage. change, thats whats constant. thats just the thing im going into. just the thing that i need. just the thing i should have. change, yes, change.

When I’m In love

My world stops spinning.

In my eyes its you that I can only see.

In my thoughts its you that always linger.

You are the love of my life, the air that I breathe.

When I’m in love

I  cant breath, Its just suffocating.

My heart feels like its being squeezed.

My body, weak. My spirit dreary.

To love for me is not to live but to die.

And then be reborn in a new me.

I’m the person that I thought I knew, but  when I love, I transform.

To love for me is everything, forsaking anything.

I tend to forget my destiny, my fate.

My faith wavers, my ideals shaken, my philosophy weakens.

To love for me is to hide rather that to show.

To fool rather than to please, to take rather than to give.

To love for me is not divine, it’s worldly.

But Fear me not, for when its you that I love, its you that I only care about.

If its you that I love, I’ll guard my heart.

For I know that you’ll be hurting me.

For you to love me back is all that I want, all that I need.

For you to love me back is just the thing that you can’t give.

.

I dont know where I got this, just cant remember, but i have kept it in my files for so long. Maybe one of those emails that i seldom keep. its a nice one, cant help but to share it. Ever felt like the tree? I had.

Tree
===

The reason I’m called Tree is because I’m good at painting trees. Overtime I started to paint a tree in the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolor paintings. I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There’s one girl whom I loved a lot but never dared go after. She didn’t have a pretty face, nor a good figure, or outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl.I like her. I really like her. Like her innocence, her frankness. Like her cuteness, her intelligence and her fragility. My reason for not going after her was that I felt somebody so ordinary was not good enough for me. I was also afraid that if we got together all the special feelings I had would vanish. I feared that other people’s gossiping would hurt her. I also felt that if she was meant to be my girl, she would be mine ultimately and I didn’t have to give everything up just for her. The last reason made
her stay with me for 3 years. She watched me chase after other girls for 3 years, and I made her heart cry for 3 years.
She wanted to be a good actress and I was a very demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled and said "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like walnuts. I purposely
ignored what had caused her to cry and instead, laughed at her the whole day. When everyone else went back home, she sat alone crying in the classroom. She didn’t know
that I had returned from soccer training to get something. I watched her cry for an hour or so.
My fourth girlfriend didn’t like her. There was once when both of them quarrelled. I know that based on her character she was not the one who had started off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes were filled with shock. I didn’t care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laughed and joked with me as though nothing happened. I know that she was very hurt but she didn’t know that my heart ached as badly as hers. When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I had something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she had something to tell me too. I told her about my breakup and she told me about her getting together with someone else. I know who the guy was. He had been going after her for quite a while. He was a very cute guy who was full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the school.
I couldn’t let her know how my heart ached but could only smile and congratulate her. When I reached home, my heart ached so bad that I can’t stand it. There was like a heavy weight upon my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to shout but couldn’t. Tears
rolled down and I broke down and cried. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that didn’t even acknowledge her presence?
During graduation, I read a sms in my handphone. It was sent 10 days ago when I broke down and cried, but I hadn’t read it since then. It said, "Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay."

Leaf
===

During Pre-U days, I liked to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has relied on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not the BGR kind but the buddy kind. But when he had his first girlfriend, I learned a feeling I never should have learnt - jealousy. The sourness in the heart couldn’t be described using a lemon. It’s Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my strong sense of happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.
I like him and I know he likes me. But why wouldn’t he pursue me? Since he loved me why didn’t he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would ache. Time after time, my heart was hurt again and again. I began to suspect this was a one sided love. But if he didn’t like he, why did he treat me so well? It’s beyond what you would do for a normal friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I may know his likes, his dislikes, his habits, etc. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can’t expect me, a girl, to ask him right?

Despite all this, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him, hoping that one day, he will love me too. I waited for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he was, he would make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through and I really wanted to give up. At times, I wondered whether I should continue waiting. The pain, the hurt, and the dilemma accompanied me for 3 long years.

Towards the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior began to go after me. Everyday he pursued me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I was willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He’s like a warm and gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf  away from the tree. In the end, I realised that I didn’t want to give this wind just a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leaf far away to a better land. Finally I left Tree. But Tree only smiled and didn’t ask me to stay. Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay.

Wind
====

I like a girl called Leaf. Because she’s so dependent on Tree, I have to be a gust of Wind, a wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was one month after I transferred to the new school. I saw a petite girl looking at my seniors and I playing soccer. During CCA time, she would always be sitting there looking at him, be it alone or with her friends. When he talked with other girls, there’s jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there’s happiness in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit, the way she liked to look at him. One day, she wasn’t there. I felt something was amiss. I can’t explain the feeling except that it’s a sense of uneasiness. The senior was also not there. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scold her. Tears were in her eyes when he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place looking at him. I walked over and smiled at her, took out a note and gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled and accepted the note. The next day, she passed me a note and left.

Leaf’s heart is too heavy and Wind couldn’t blow her away.It’s not that Leaf’s heart is too heavy. It is because Leaf never wanted to leave Tree. I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me and accepted my presents and phone calls. I know that the person she loved wasn’t me. But I had the perseverance that
one day, I could make her like me. Within 4 months, I had declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she would divert away from the topic. But I never gave up. If I.decided I wanted her to be mine, I would definitely use all means to win her over. I can’t remember how many times I had declared my love for her. Although I knew she would try to divert, I still had a small glimmer of hope, hoping that she would agree to be my girlfriend. I didn’t hear any reply from her over the phone, so I asked "What are you doing? Why didn’t you reply?" She said, "I’m nodding my head." "Ah?" I couldn’t believe my ears. "I’m nodding my head," she replied loudly. I hanged up the phone, changed quickly, took a taxi, rushed to her place and pressed her door bell. When she
opened the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay.

            I work in The Farm. I live in Farm. For the past five years, it seems that my world revolves and was just confined in The Farm. And I just cant seem to figure out if it’s a devotion or just pure love of work considering that its not at all financially rewarding. Boring, indeed, that I somewhat secluded myself from the world and society that I have always been with. But in the farm, though chaotic, disorganized, often harsh and unfriendly, I found peace. Happiness in solitary confinement. Contentment in a hostile environment.

            In The Farm I have become stagnant, I somewhat regressed. Being surrounded by people who could barely read and write, whose philosophical and analytical thinking does not go far beyond the middle of their legs, I have no one to share my views and my thoughts. There is just no one to contest my ideas, no one to fight with an intense intellectual battle. I stoop down, and it seems I could never get up again. But nevertheless, I’m happy.

            Though I have built this wall of seclusion does not necessarily mean that I have forgotten my passion for learning. I have always wanted to continue my education, perhaps a PhD in metaphysics or biochemistry, things that I’m just not particularly good at. And I love challenges. Maybe that’s one reason that I’ve stayed at The Farm for so long. There are just no limits when it comes to challenges. Trials do come and go, and I’m glad I stayed alive, barely missing some bullets in my head.

            But lately this wall that I have built has been slowly falling down. My happiness gets lesser and lesser everyday. I’m now having doubts in my contentment, my devotion and love of work is slowly fading, loosing my interest I what I do. Though I love challenges and trials, but  often times too much of a good thing isn’t good at all. I will never give up, I have never had. But a constant struggle with my self and my environment is just tiring.

           Like an eagle locked up in his cage for so long, I will soon be free. Free to roam the outside world and rediscover my self. Sooner or later, I hope I will have the courage to say goodbye to The Farm, my home, my refuge. And then I’ll say hello to the world.

Every day, everytime I check my messages and mails, my inbox is being flooded by mails that may have circled the globe for thousand times.

What I’m talking about are those REALLY ANNOYING chain letters. A lot about love, luck, curse, money and everything else. Something like send this to 15 people and you”ll have good luck. Or send this to 20 people in 15 seconds and you”ll get laid or send this to everyone and Bill Gates will be sending you $5 to every person you sent this to.

Gees. Are these things for real?

For all those emails that I have not done anything, My testicles would have fallen off for all my lovelife misfortunes. I would have been dead years ago for all those mails that I have not sent, Me and my great grandsons would have been damned for all eternity. I would have had millions of DOLLARS for all those bill gates beta emails that I have sent to everyone, including people whose names I don”t even know. And I don’t know if how many dollars that dying boy in Timbukto have earned in every emails I sent.

I know sometimes its scary. I know no one of us dont want any bad luck or our sex life and love life be damned forever either. But for one those people who have started this may have been as bored as I am now. And that they think they have some great sense of humor. Coz these letters, after all, are just one hell of a joke! Cant believe that sometimes these jokes make a victim out of me.

Please, before you sent messages and mails that should be sent to million people or else you’ll be damned in hell for eternity, think twice. Have anything happened to you when there was an instance that you have not completed the number of people you should be sending it? Did you have a bad luck when you have not send that email in 30 seconds? Did Bill Gates really shared his billions to you?

Id rather be reading things like what did you do today, how were you, are you okay? Ung tipong kahit everyday things or kumustahan lang. Those kind of stuffs. These technological breakthroughs bridge our physical gap. Lets catch up and not scare and annoy each other.

FILIPINO
>
> YOU say that our government is inefficient. YOU say
> that our laws are too
> old. YOU say that the our local government does not
> pick up the garbage and
> does not manage well the cleanliness of the land.
> YOU say that the phones
> don’t work, the traffic is a joke, mail never reach
> its destination. YOU
> say that our country has been fed to the dogs and is
> the absolute pits. YOU
> say, say and say
>
> What do YOU do about it?
>
> Take a person on his way to Singapore. Give him a
> name - YOURS. Give him a
> face- YOURS. YOU walk out of the airport and you are
> at your International
> best. In Singapore, YOU don’t throw cigarette butts
> on the roads or eat in
> the stores. YOU are as proud of their Underground
> Links as they are. YOU
> pay $5 (approx Pesos 60) to drive through Orchard
> Road (Equiv. to EDSA)
> between 5 PM and 8 PM. YOU comeback to the parking
> lot to punch your
> parking ticket if you have over stayed in a
> restaurant or a shopping mall
> irrespective of your status/identity. In Singapore
> you don’t say anything,
> DO YOU?
>
> YOU wouldn’t dare to eat in public during Ramadan,
> in Dubai. YOU would not
> dare to go out without your head covered in Jeddah.
> YOU would not dare to
> buy an employee of the telephone exchange in London
> at 10 pounds (Pesos
> 650) a month to, "see to it that my STD and ISD
> calls are billed to someone
> else." YOU would not dare to speed beyond 55 mph (88
> kph) in Washington and
> then tell the traffic cop, "Alam mo kung sino ako ?
> (Do you know who I
> am?). I am so and so’s son. Take your two bucks and
> get lost." Why don’t
> YOU spit and throw your cigarette butts on the
> streets of Tokyo? Why don’t
> YOU use fake certificates in Boston like you do in
> Recto?
>
> We are still talking of the same YOU. YOU who can
> respect and conform to a
> foreign system in other countries but cannot in your
> own. YOU, who will
> throw papers and cigarettes on the road the moment
> you touch Philippine
> ground.
>
> If YOU can be an involved and appreciative citizen
> in an alien country why
> cannot you be the same in the Philippines.
>
> Once in an interview, the famous Subic
> Administrator, Gordon had a point to
> make. "Rich people’s dogs are walked on the streets
> to leave their affluent
> droppings all over the place," he said. "And then
> the same people turn
> around to criticize and blame the authorities for
> inefficiency and dirty
> pavements. What do they expect the officers to do!?
> Go down with a broom
> everytime heir dog feels the pressure in his bowels?
> In America every dog
> owner has to clean up after his pet has done the
> job. Same in Japan. Will
> the Filipino citizen do that here?"
>
> He’s right. We go to the polls to choose a
> government and after that
> forfeit all responsibility. We sit back wanting to
> be pampered and expect
> the government to do everything for us whilst our
> contribution is totally
> negative. We expect the government to clean up but
> we are not going to stop
> chucking garbage all over the place nor are we going
> to stoop to pick up a
> stray piece of paper and throw it in the bin. When
> it comes to burning
> social issues like those related to extra marital
> relationship, unwed
> mothers, pre-marital sex and others, we make loud
> drawing room
> protestations and continue to do the reverse at
> home.
>
> The moment we feel lonely outside the Philippines we
> seek the company of
> other fellow Filipinos WITH OUT minding the
> commitment we made back home to
> our true family. Then we blame the government for
> juvenile VIOLENCE, drug
> addiction, etc. but we started it ourselves by
> neglecting the need of our
> sons and daughters of real paternal guidance and
> responsibility. Our
> excuse? "It’s the whole system which has to change,
> how will it matter if I
> alone forego my sons’ rights to a dowry." So who’s
> going to change the
> system? What does a system consist of? Very
> conveniently for us it consists
> of our neighbors, other households, other cities,
> other communities and the
> government. But definitely not me and YOU.
>
> When it comes to us actually making a positive
> contribution to the system
> we lock ourselves along with our families into a
> safe cocoon and look into
> the distance at countries far away and wait for a
> Mr. Clean to come along
> work miracles for us with a majestic sweep of his
> hand. Or we leave the
> country and run away. Like lazy cowards hounded by
> our fears we run to
> America to bask in their glory and praise their
> system. When New York
> becomes insecure we run to Japan or HONGKONG. When
> HongKong experiences
> unemployment, we take the next flight out to the
> Middle East. When the Gulf
> is war struck, we demand to be rescued and brought
> home by the Philippine
> government.
>
> Everybody is out to abuse and rape the country.
> Nobody thinks of feeding
> the system. Our conscience is mortgaged to money.
> Dear fellow Filipinos,
> The article is highly thought-inductive, calls for a
> Great deal of
> introspection and bothers one’s conscience…. I am
> echoing J. F. Kennedy’s
> words to his fellow Americans to relate to us
> Filipinos.. "ASK WHAT WE CAN
> DO FOR THE PHILIPPINES AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE TO
> MAKE THE PHILIPPINES
> WHAT AMERICA AND OTHER WESTERN COUNTRIES ARE TODAY"
> I say to myself, that
> my forthcoming vacation …. at least, for the time
> being.
>
> I can be A SINGAPOREAN , AN EMIRATI, A SAUDIAN, an
> AMERICAN citizen in the
> PHILIPPINES. Lets do what our country needs from us.
>
> You can do the country a favor by passing this on to
 fellow Filipinos. =)