tonying

Today, Sunday, August 03, 2008. Its suppose to be a rest day. But im far from resting and relaxing. Theres just so much to be done. Just been out for a couple of days, and yet i dont feel like revitalized. i still feel so low, tired, depressed, and lazy. its been months since i’m in this state. im just so fed up and jaded, and i hate it. I used to be so naive yet smart. Now i feel so old and used up.

i thought i have this bipolar personality. Reviewing my blogs, for sometime, im so happy and contended. And then i would be so angry and depressed. its an altering emotion, which happens in months before it passes. but this time, my discomfort and discontentment lasted so long, for more that a year now. I guess i have to change the situation that i am currently at. have a change of mind, and have a change of heart. i needed that badly.

im tired. Tired of putting smile on my face when infact all that i wanted to do is kick everyone’s ass. im tired of being kind and patient and strong. I have to go and leave. But to where?

I wanted t change. A change i cannot afford to make.

When I was young, and I mean really really young, my dream was that I should have a son at the age of 15, before my high school graduation. My logic is that when I turn 32, my son would be 16, im still young and my son is just getting old, we will be like friends. Bar hopping, talking about girls, drinking buddy, those kind of stuff that barkadas do. I wanted to be a cool dad. This dream did not materialize because of financial reasons. We got broke even before I turn 15, and there’s no way for me to be a teen age dad.

            Its not that my dad was not a cool one, we did had some great time together, but I wanted to be more involve in my future son’s life. I wanted to have a very close family of my own. But now, 14 years after my 15^th birthday, I’m still single. If ill get to impregnate someone this year, by time my offspring turn 16, Ill be 45, not too old to party, but definitely old to be a teen age son’s barkada.

            I have had a few relationships, some of which lasted more than it should, some of which I haven’t get over with till now. There were also a few heartbreaks, each one being a lot painful than the last one. Of course there were also times that I thought I’ve found the one, until the next one comes along. The thought that I’ll be spending the rest of my life with just one woman gives me a chill, its like eating adobo everyday, even if its my favorite dish, too much of it makes me dizzy.

But being a hopeless romantic, I dreamed of being inlove, being really happy with the one that the heavens have destined me to be with. Now, I’m 29, and Im getting tired of waiting for the one for me. Or I’m just really choosy.

Seldom do I talk about my emotional status, my friends know that. Although Im a friendly and blatant person, only a chosen few knows about my affairs. I just don’t kiss and tell that much. Some people even think that Im gay for being single for such a long time, I’m sorry but I like tilapia more than hotdog, and I like it fresh.

I don’t know if I’m just being really really choosy, being extra careful, or have not really found the one for me. My friends are getting married and having children left and right, and I’m still here, 29 years old and single. Its easy to have a relationship, I’m quite a charmer, but its hard to find a lifetime partner.

I always believe in love, I had my share of it, but for me not the kind that will last a lifetime. I might have gone too ideal about love, that maybe the problem. I have let love pass my way a lot of times before and waited for my ideal love to come. Now, right this moment, I am full of regrets. I would have not abandoned my dream. I should have had a son at fifteen. And loved her mother, worked things out, and learn to love her till the very end of my life.

I should have loved more before. Things would have been different. I should have not waited. I should have grabbed love the first time it knocked my door. All those might have beens. Now I’m tired of waiting.

finally, i did it. What ever tht was holding me back, i finally came through it. I just quit my job  tonight. and also tonight  i applied for another job, tomorrow 9:00 will be my interview. Now I’m finally free. I am leaving the farm, the life I’ve learned to get used to, the people i loved, the misery, the pain, the hapiness.

now i just got the courage. now i’m finally leaving. now I’m moving on.

a new chapter, a new beginning, a new me.

Sometimes it feels like I’m not the person that i was. Before, I take risks, I love challenges, I stand up and fight for what I feel is right. And I thought I’ll get better when i get older. But that is not the case. Now I always play safe. I am afraid. Afraid to loose, afraid to take the risk, afraid of feeling pain, of separation, of loosing. Afraid of letting go of this comfort.

Like waking up from a long dream of the darkest nights, now I’m letting go. It hurts so much and it will feel worst. But i dont care anymore. I’ve been hurt before and i survived. I know now what to do. I will loose. But i dot care anymore. I’ve lost before, and at this point of my life I just have nothing to loose anymore. It will be very uncomfortable at first. But I’ve been there. I might sink deeper. But, been there, done that. i will survive.

The old  me is back. The hard-headed, unwise yet smart enough to get out of trouble me is back.

I was afraid. But not anymore. I’m leaving. This time, for good.

            I have invested in a new company that specializes in manpower and management, sort of a recruitment agency. It was a hard earned cash, but my investments was not to be put in vain,  I supposed, since my intentions are very noble. It is to help people. There are a lot of companies and factories that need workers, and there are just too many unemployed Filipinos now a days. Our  company was to be a bridge, for employers seeking workers and people who seeks work.

            Though my current profession is not that financially regarding, I still think I’m very blessed.  I always thought I could have better job since I know I could do better, but have always been too afraid to quit, mainly because I don’t want to  belong to the group of people who do nothing, meaning, jobless. Its hard, having experienced it myself. The boredom, the low self esteem, the could-have-beens. So In my own little way, we set up this small company. We knew It’s not gonna be easy, but we never thought It will be this hard.

            It was all set, permits and registration has been accomplished, except for one. It was the certification from the Department of Labor. We expected they will be assisting us, in every way possible, since we are doing this nation a favor. But sadly, to our disappointment, they did not. In fact, they put our  nearly completed company on hold. Saying that we lack the capital, we lack some papers, we missed out some forms. In fact, we all have submitted their requirements, and in the end, what they actually wanted is money. Our capital is just around Forty Thousand Pesos. People from the labor department demanded Fifty Thousand Pesos. We don’t have that much.

            I work almost 24 hours a day, since I live in the farm, and always on call even in the middle of the night, in my deepest sleep. It’s from the very fruit of my hard labor that I got my investment from. But these government people want to have as much as my four months’ worth of hard work just for lifting their pen and signing our papers.

            Our agency, the company that meant to help jobless people is now up in the air and very much non operational. Thanks to the government agency that’s suppose to be providing and protecting laborers. Indeed, an irony, the one who’s supposed to help people are the ones who’s killing those who are willing to help.

               i just hope this is just a phase our company is going through, sort of a labor pain  when giving birth, only this time, a birth of a company with a noble cause.

I  have 10 goldfish, 3 red cap orandas and 7 shubunkins. They are the most beautiful goldfish, my orandas are glowing red, fins and tails are long. When they swim they look like fairies floating in mid air. My shubunkins are of the finest breed. Nice colors. Its tail are long and tip of tails are round, as if they were cut by scissors. These fishes have been my companion for quite sometime. I smile everytime I enter my home because they greet me, they go to the corner of my aquarium, swim so enthusiastically. And to think they only do that when I’m around. My fishes knew me. I loved my fishes. And today I watched they die.

            I came to a phase just this week. Suddenly, I had all the energy to reorganize my home, my office, and my room. For 3 straight days I  turned my place upside down, cleaning, washing, dusting everything. I have a severe allergy to dust mites, and I haven’t had an attack for weeks. Could barely breathe when it hits me and I don’t want it to happen again ever. My aquarium haven’t been cleaned for months. So I had it cleaned. And in the process my fishes got killed.

            In my solitude, these fishes consoled me. In my loneliness, they somewhat cheered me up. I don’t like dogs, they stink. And I hate cats, their meows annoy me, and they do have a lot of fur. So I opt to my cockatiels, parakeets, shubunkins and orandas. I do love them. And now I’m in grief. Some people would even find it silly that I get so affected by my loss. After all, they were just some fish. But they were my fish. And I loved them.

Im so drunk. drunk as I should be. Drunk as I always wanted to be. Intoxicated with alcohol, intoxicated with life, intoxicated with living, intoxicate with everything! Im just so damn tired of my life! So damn tired of my environment! so damn tired of everything. And to think that i have never been so damn upset of what life brings me. i have just so much of everything, i guess. Vauge? hazy? unclear? yup, thats just me. me and my statements. me and my self. me and my decisions. always unclear. always unpredictable. always uncomprehendable. its me, yes. just me. another phase. another stage. change, thats whats constant. thats just the thing im going into. just the thing that i need. just the thing i should have. change, yes, change.

When I’m In love

My world stops spinning.

In my eyes its you that I can only see.

In my thoughts its you that always linger.

You are the love of my life, the air that I breathe.

When I’m in love

I  cant breath, Its just suffocating.

My heart feels like its being squeezed.

My body, weak. My spirit dreary.

To love for me is not to live but to die.

And then be reborn in a new me.

I’m the person that I thought I knew, but  when I love, I transform.

To love for me is everything, forsaking anything.

I tend to forget my destiny, my fate.

My faith wavers, my ideals shaken, my philosophy weakens.

To love for me is to hide rather that to show.

To fool rather than to please, to take rather than to give.

To love for me is not divine, it’s worldly.

But Fear me not, for when its you that I love, its you that I only care about.

If its you that I love, I’ll guard my heart.

For I know that you’ll be hurting me.

For you to love me back is all that I want, all that I need.

For you to love me back is just the thing that you can’t give.

.

I dont know where I got this, just cant remember, but i have kept it in my files for so long. Maybe one of those emails that i seldom keep. its a nice one, cant help but to share it. Ever felt like the tree? I had.

Tree
===

The reason I’m called Tree is because I’m good at painting trees. Overtime I started to paint a tree in the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolor paintings. I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There’s one girl whom I loved a lot but never dared go after. She didn’t have a pretty face, nor a good figure, or outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl.I like her. I really like her. Like her innocence, her frankness. Like her cuteness, her intelligence and her fragility. My reason for not going after her was that I felt somebody so ordinary was not good enough for me. I was also afraid that if we got together all the special feelings I had would vanish. I feared that other people’s gossiping would hurt her. I also felt that if she was meant to be my girl, she would be mine ultimately and I didn’t have to give everything up just for her. The last reason made
her stay with me for 3 years. She watched me chase after other girls for 3 years, and I made her heart cry for 3 years.
She wanted to be a good actress and I was a very demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled and said "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like walnuts. I purposely
ignored what had caused her to cry and instead, laughed at her the whole day. When everyone else went back home, she sat alone crying in the classroom. She didn’t know
that I had returned from soccer training to get something. I watched her cry for an hour or so.
My fourth girlfriend didn’t like her. There was once when both of them quarrelled. I know that based on her character she was not the one who had started off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes were filled with shock. I didn’t care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laughed and joked with me as though nothing happened. I know that she was very hurt but she didn’t know that my heart ached as badly as hers. When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I had something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she had something to tell me too. I told her about my breakup and she told me about her getting together with someone else. I know who the guy was. He had been going after her for quite a while. He was a very cute guy who was full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the school.
I couldn’t let her know how my heart ached but could only smile and congratulate her. When I reached home, my heart ached so bad that I can’t stand it. There was like a heavy weight upon my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to shout but couldn’t. Tears
rolled down and I broke down and cried. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that didn’t even acknowledge her presence?
During graduation, I read a sms in my handphone. It was sent 10 days ago when I broke down and cried, but I hadn’t read it since then. It said, "Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay."

Leaf
===

During Pre-U days, I liked to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has relied on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not the BGR kind but the buddy kind. But when he had his first girlfriend, I learned a feeling I never should have learnt - jealousy. The sourness in the heart couldn’t be described using a lemon. It’s Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my strong sense of happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.
I like him and I know he likes me. But why wouldn’t he pursue me? Since he loved me why didn’t he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would ache. Time after time, my heart was hurt again and again. I began to suspect this was a one sided love. But if he didn’t like he, why did he treat me so well? It’s beyond what you would do for a normal friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I may know his likes, his dislikes, his habits, etc. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can’t expect me, a girl, to ask him right?

Despite all this, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him, hoping that one day, he will love me too. I waited for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he was, he would make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through and I really wanted to give up. At times, I wondered whether I should continue waiting. The pain, the hurt, and the dilemma accompanied me for 3 long years.

Towards the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior began to go after me. Everyday he pursued me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I was willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He’s like a warm and gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf  away from the tree. In the end, I realised that I didn’t want to give this wind just a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leaf far away to a better land. Finally I left Tree. But Tree only smiled and didn’t ask me to stay. Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay.

Wind
====

I like a girl called Leaf. Because she’s so dependent on Tree, I have to be a gust of Wind, a wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was one month after I transferred to the new school. I saw a petite girl looking at my seniors and I playing soccer. During CCA time, she would always be sitting there looking at him, be it alone or with her friends. When he talked with other girls, there’s jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there’s happiness in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit, the way she liked to look at him. One day, she wasn’t there. I felt something was amiss. I can’t explain the feeling except that it’s a sense of uneasiness. The senior was also not there. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scold her. Tears were in her eyes when he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place looking at him. I walked over and smiled at her, took out a note and gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled and accepted the note. The next day, she passed me a note and left.

Leaf’s heart is too heavy and Wind couldn’t blow her away.It’s not that Leaf’s heart is too heavy. It is because Leaf never wanted to leave Tree. I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me and accepted my presents and phone calls. I know that the person she loved wasn’t me. But I had the perseverance that
one day, I could make her like me. Within 4 months, I had declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she would divert away from the topic. But I never gave up. If I.decided I wanted her to be mine, I would definitely use all means to win her over. I can’t remember how many times I had declared my love for her. Although I knew she would try to divert, I still had a small glimmer of hope, hoping that she would agree to be my girlfriend. I didn’t hear any reply from her over the phone, so I asked "What are you doing? Why didn’t you reply?" She said, "I’m nodding my head." "Ah?" I couldn’t believe my ears. "I’m nodding my head," she replied loudly. I hanged up the phone, changed quickly, took a taxi, rushed to her place and pressed her door bell. When she
opened the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay.

            I work in The Farm. I live in Farm. For the past five years, it seems that my world revolves and was just confined in The Farm. And I just cant seem to figure out if it’s a devotion or just pure love of work considering that its not at all financially rewarding. Boring, indeed, that I somewhat secluded myself from the world and society that I have always been with. But in the farm, though chaotic, disorganized, often harsh and unfriendly, I found peace. Happiness in solitary confinement. Contentment in a hostile environment.

            In The Farm I have become stagnant, I somewhat regressed. Being surrounded by people who could barely read and write, whose philosophical and analytical thinking does not go far beyond the middle of their legs, I have no one to share my views and my thoughts. There is just no one to contest my ideas, no one to fight with an intense intellectual battle. I stoop down, and it seems I could never get up again. But nevertheless, I’m happy.

            Though I have built this wall of seclusion does not necessarily mean that I have forgotten my passion for learning. I have always wanted to continue my education, perhaps a PhD in metaphysics or biochemistry, things that I’m just not particularly good at. And I love challenges. Maybe that’s one reason that I’ve stayed at The Farm for so long. There are just no limits when it comes to challenges. Trials do come and go, and I’m glad I stayed alive, barely missing some bullets in my head.

            But lately this wall that I have built has been slowly falling down. My happiness gets lesser and lesser everyday. I’m now having doubts in my contentment, my devotion and love of work is slowly fading, loosing my interest I what I do. Though I love challenges and trials, but  often times too much of a good thing isn’t good at all. I will never give up, I have never had. But a constant struggle with my self and my environment is just tiring.

           Like an eagle locked up in his cage for so long, I will soon be free. Free to roam the outside world and rediscover my self. Sooner or later, I hope I will have the courage to say goodbye to The Farm, my home, my refuge. And then I’ll say hello to the world.