tonying

I had lots of friends. Some of whom I have known all my life, some I’ve been with since I was six. Being the kind of person that I am, I treasure these friendship. Some of them are so far away, some of whom I been far away from that I haven’t heard or seen them for more that ten years already. For some it would be like very long years. Indeed it is. But for me, it was just like yesterday. I remember.

            For a while me and my friends, long lost and all, have connected. Somehow, somewhere in time, ours souls have touched. We laughed and cried together. Shared secrets and dreams. Stared at the midnight sky and wished upon those countless stars.

            Sometimes its kinda depressing thinking of those happy days being with my friends. All those cherished memories of elementary, high school, college days and in betweens. I don’t think I can ever have those childhood happy memories being with my friends in and out of school.

            Me and my college buddies used to say ‘siraan ng buhay”. Just to be together, over some bottle of what ever liquor we can afford, we tend to forget what we have to do, our assignment, our priorities. We’ll go to tagaytay or caliraya in the middle of the night to have tequila or anything, not worrying about research paper deadlines, homeworks, or exams the following day. We knew then that it was things like this wont happen all our lives. It was only then, given our four years of college, five years for me though. We had our time, we cared less about anything but being with each others’ company, happy and emotional we may be especially after too much drinks. But mind you, we all graduated, one being cum laude.

            We still see each other, though not that frequent like before. We have been very busy, some became medical doctors, some have graduated with their masteral degrees and on their way to their phd’s, some being busy and apparently excelling in their chosen fields.

            I remember asking a friend one night while staring at the stars about 10 years ago, “ will we be  seeing  each other five or ten years from now? Will we still be the same?” I wasn’t expecting an answer for such a silly question. It was a beautiful night and we were having some really good time. But my friend said “of course we will. We will make it happen. What ever we turn out to be, we will make it happen.”

            I believed her. As if some sort of affirmation, I said to myself, “we will make it happen”. We will still be seeing each other, just like the old time’s sake. We will laugh at each other over some bottle of beer, just like before. But as I grow older, my priorities changed, and so were my friends from long ago. That friend that said we will make it happen, I haven’t seen her nor heard anything from her for more that seven years already.

            I live my life each day at a time, enjoying every bit of it, because I don’t believe in second chances when it comes to happiness. If I have the chance to  be happy with some friends, I grab it right away, don’t have to reschedule it tomorrow or next week, even to the point of jeopardizing my career. Its lame, I know, but that’s how I enjoy life. Happiness is my ultimate goal, and being with my friends is where I find much happiness.

            Carpe diem, ce la vie. Life is too short to spend on worrying and solving problems. Be happy, and life will be very  easy, with the help of some friends.

Today, Sunday, August 03, 2008. Its suppose to be a rest day. But im far from resting and relaxing. Theres just so much to be done. Just been out for a couple of days, and yet i dont feel like revitalized. i still feel so low, tired, depressed, and lazy. its been months since i’m in this state. im just so fed up and jaded, and i hate it. I used to be so naive yet smart. Now i feel so old and used up.

i thought i have this bipolar personality. Reviewing my blogs, for sometime, im so happy and contended. And then i would be so angry and depressed. its an altering emotion, which happens in months before it passes. but this time, my discomfort and discontentment lasted so long, for more that a year now. I guess i have to change the situation that i am currently at. have a change of mind, and have a change of heart. i needed that badly.

im tired. Tired of putting smile on my face when infact all that i wanted to do is kick everyone’s ass. im tired of being kind and patient and strong. I have to go and leave. But to where?

I wanted t change. A change i cannot afford to make.

When I was young, and I mean really really young, my dream was that I should have a son at the age of 15, before my high school graduation. My logic is that when I turn 32, my son would be 16, im still young and my son is just getting old, we will be like friends. Bar hopping, talking about girls, drinking buddy, those kind of stuff that barkadas do. I wanted to be a cool dad. This dream did not materialize because of financial reasons. We got broke even before I turn 15, and there’s no way for me to be a teen age dad.

            Its not that my dad was not a cool one, we did had some great time together, but I wanted to be more involve in my future son’s life. I wanted to have a very close family of my own. But now, 14 years after my 15^th birthday, I’m still single. If ill get to impregnate someone this year, by time my offspring turn 16, Ill be 45, not too old to party, but definitely old to be a teen age son’s barkada.

            I have had a few relationships, some of which lasted more than it should, some of which I haven’t get over with till now. There were also a few heartbreaks, each one being a lot painful than the last one. Of course there were also times that I thought I’ve found the one, until the next one comes along. The thought that I’ll be spending the rest of my life with just one woman gives me a chill, its like eating adobo everyday, even if its my favorite dish, too much of it makes me dizzy.

But being a hopeless romantic, I dreamed of being inlove, being really happy with the one that the heavens have destined me to be with. Now, I’m 29, and Im getting tired of waiting for the one for me. Or I’m just really choosy.

Seldom do I talk about my emotional status, my friends know that. Although Im a friendly and blatant person, only a chosen few knows about my affairs. I just don’t kiss and tell that much. Some people even think that Im gay for being single for such a long time, I’m sorry but I like tilapia more than hotdog, and I like it fresh.

I don’t know if I’m just being really really choosy, being extra careful, or have not really found the one for me. My friends are getting married and having children left and right, and I’m still here, 29 years old and single. Its easy to have a relationship, I’m quite a charmer, but its hard to find a lifetime partner.

I always believe in love, I had my share of it, but for me not the kind that will last a lifetime. I might have gone too ideal about love, that maybe the problem. I have let love pass my way a lot of times before and waited for my ideal love to come. Now, right this moment, I am full of regrets. I would have not abandoned my dream. I should have had a son at fifteen. And loved her mother, worked things out, and learn to love her till the very end of my life.

I should have loved more before. Things would have been different. I should have not waited. I should have grabbed love the first time it knocked my door. All those might have beens. Now I’m tired of waiting.

finally, i did it. What ever tht was holding me back, i finally came through it. I just quit my job  tonight. and also tonight  i applied for another job, tomorrow 9:00 will be my interview. Now I’m finally free. I am leaving the farm, the life I’ve learned to get used to, the people i loved, the misery, the pain, the hapiness.

now i just got the courage. now i’m finally leaving. now I’m moving on.

a new chapter, a new beginning, a new me.

Sometimes it feels like I’m not the person that i was. Before, I take risks, I love challenges, I stand up and fight for what I feel is right. And I thought I’ll get better when i get older. But that is not the case. Now I always play safe. I am afraid. Afraid to loose, afraid to take the risk, afraid of feeling pain, of separation, of loosing. Afraid of letting go of this comfort.

Like waking up from a long dream of the darkest nights, now I’m letting go. It hurts so much and it will feel worst. But i dont care anymore. I’ve been hurt before and i survived. I know now what to do. I will loose. But i dot care anymore. I’ve lost before, and at this point of my life I just have nothing to loose anymore. It will be very uncomfortable at first. But I’ve been there. I might sink deeper. But, been there, done that. i will survive.

The old  me is back. The hard-headed, unwise yet smart enough to get out of trouble me is back.

I was afraid. But not anymore. I’m leaving. This time, for good.

We fear them, abhor them, despise and curse them. It’s the devil, the bad ones.  They that lure in the dark, the vile, the rude, the rake. For some it’s a real entity, a real being. For some it’s a symbolism, a representation of all things and people that are bad and ugly. A constant reminder of how flawed this world is.

But what if there comes a day that evil does not exist anymore? What if everything has suddenly turned good and perfect? No more wars, no more fighting, no more pain, no more suffering. How nice our world will be. And how so boring.

How are we to know how warm and comforting light is when we have not seen the dark? How are we to appreciate sweet when we don’t know what bitter tastes like? How are we to love a person that is good, when we haven’t known someone bad?

Cruel, wicked, and disgusting people are what we thought to be evil. They cause us pain, failure, and misery. We always wish these kind of people will just simply vaporize. But sometimes these are the people that teaches us some very important lessons in life. They are the ones that steps on us, yells on us, degrade us. And yet they are also the same people that challenges us to be stronger, makes us reveal the fighter in all of us. They serve as our barometer, we want to be better than them, yet not being the evil that they are. We don’t want to be like them, we want to be someone else, but definitely better.

I believe in the necessary evil. I have met a lot of their kind in my life, and they never cease to amuse me. I have never been content by just abhorring them, looking at them. I explore their being. It has never been easy dealing with evil ones, but its definitely challenging, physically, mentally, morally, spiritually. They sometimes rock my very core, bend my faith, twist my philosophy. I will never be the man that I am now if I have not known them.

Sometimes I mimic evil. When it’s a necessity, I challenge people around me. I engage in war, I spit fire, I hit hard, I put people in misery. I have to be bad just so I can make a person better. Though I meant to hurt them, Eventually they’ll be thankful for what I’ve done. I’m harsh, fearless and insensitive at times but a lot of people still love me and sees me differently. After all, hindi masarap ang pakbit kung walang ampalya.

I will definitely do anything just to be happy. And why not?  After all I believe that happiness is life’s ultimate goal. It’s the mere reason of our existence. It’s something that we all wanted, something we have always longed for.

            Some people would do anything to have so much money because by being filthy rich they thought they would be happy. Some others will seek fame or power because by having so, they thought they will be happy. Others would finds peace with their faith and religion, and being at peace, they are happy. A number of people find happiness in love.

            So there, we may not know it, but we tend to pursue things in life because we thought it would make us happy. Even drug addicts, though in just a short time, gets high and then they are on cloud nine. I guess its happiness that is so addictive.

Euphoria, geeks do say, is just a surge of certain biochemicals in the brain, a reaction to something we do like, or things that makes us in high spirits. Its all in the brain, its all about our concept of happiness, because after all, we do have different views of what really makes us happy.

            Life is so full of complications. At times, I thought, happiness can never be mine. But I have found a way to be happy. By being contented, by not asking for more and actually appreciating what every blessing I have. By this, I find joy in almost anything, especially in little things.

            I smile when I see little children laughing, reminds me so much of my happy childhood. When I feel lonely at night, I would go out and admire the blanket of stars, or the moonlight, or wait for some falling stars. What a jubilation it is when you wish on a falling star! Even if things would go out of hand at times, I’ll deal with it with all my might and then laugh at it with all my heart, as if it was one of life’s jokes on me. I always look for funny things and I hate silence. When I’m with people I tend to crack jokes, even to the point of being silly, but it’s just fine with me, at least I am happy, and so are the people around me.

            So have you seen a falling star lately? Are you tired of life’s struggles? Why don’t you go out, even for awhile, and smell the flowers, or watch the rain, or see the sunset. There are just too many beautiful things around us. All we need to do is to pay attention, leave our worries behind for a little while, and enjoy God’s creations. I’m quite sure it will calm your spirit, make you a bit delighted.  After all, these beautiful things might not be around anymore tomorrow.

        These past few days my well being is somewhat in the edge. I’m in a lot of stress, and then I got sick. Which forced me to rest. But I just cant lie on my bed doing nothing, so I put on to my dvd player a copy of nip/tuck. I missed a lot of episode because I stay in the farm, and I don’t have cable service at the farm.

            As always, being the self centered man that I am, with the belief that the universe revolves around me, I related to the tv series. It reminded me so much when I was a kid.

            I was not that good as a child, but I’m not bad either. It’s just that as a kid, I had a lot of insecurities, which made me go into pretensions. Although looking back, I had it all. I just don’t know it back then. I had a great family, my parents sent me to the best school in our place, they give me almost everything that I want to the point of spoiling me, I had great friends, and you should have seen me when I was a kid, I swear, I’m a very charming one.

            But I am not aware of that then. I’m always envious, always wanting more. I wanted more toys, I wanted the shiniest bike, I wanted the latest computer game, I wanted to have a slimmer nose, I wanted to be taller, I wanted to be the best, and I wanted more. More that people around me could give. I wanted to be perfect.

            There was this point in my life that I hit the bottom, as in rock bottom. It’s just a year after college graduation, something that I had a hard time getting over with, college, I mean. I just quit my first job and my family’s business is in ruins. I was so depressed. I was getting into a lot of change, and I just could not take off. I knew what I can do, I know my potential, I just don’t know what’s holding me back. Until I realized that I almost have nothing but my dreams.

            This is the point when I finally realized what I had the some other people don’t. it is when I realized that I had a lot of opportunities that I just let go away. It is when I started to count my blessings. Ironic that when I almost had nothing is when I started to feel that I am a very lucky man, a lot luckier that many people. It is then that I started grabbing every opportunity that knocks my door, and keep looking for those opportunities even in the street. It is then that I became contented, for who I am, and for all that I have.

            Now, every morning, when I look in the mirror, I thank God for how handsome I am. It’s my way of loving my self. My nose is still big, and lines are showing here and there, but I won’t trade this face for anything else in the world even for a fact that a lot of people are better looking, take brad or Orlando, for instance. It has proven me that no matter how I look, with the right attitude, some smile, a wink sometimes, I can get anything that I want, almost.   

     With a job that I want, being independent and all, I mean I could count all my blessings endlessly and still I will be thankful and contented. I guess that what makes me appreciate more what comes to me. Because being contended, I am not asking for more. And those blessings that are still pouring in are gold coins in my huge piggy bank. And I am not that selfish kid anymore. I share.

            I guess the feeling of contentment, of independence, of being blessed and lucky, and yes, being somewhat conceited makes me happy. That’s all that I wanted, to be happy. And by being so, I am perfect.

Last night was my flight to Bangkok. On my way to the airport, I stopped by a mall, bought cd-r’s for my pic files while in thailand, and grabbed a book, tuesdays with morrie, for me to read in the terminal while waiting for boarding. When I get to our car, my bag is gone, along with my passport, my favorite necklace, my sandals of the season, my clothes, two of my favorite shirts, one, a xmas gift from a friend, the other, a gift from my landlord.

So there, instead of reading the book at the airport, i read it in my room, sulking for my cancelled vacation. I dont know but the book struck me, and I feel like it came to me at the right time.

Im now suffering from a severe loss. When I lost my bag, along with it, I lost a lot of things that means a lot to me, and a lot of memories that goes a long with those things. I ‘ve also lost the chance of finding happiness somewhere else. And just like morrie, i indulge in this feeling, of grief and of pain. I’m a very emotional man, a lot of people may not know that. Its what keep me strong and stable. When I’m happy, im in exaltation, when im sad, it feels like i mourn. But i can easily let go of these emotions. I can easily move on, detach, as morrie puts it.

I guess bangkok is not for me. I just wish something better will come my way, in consolation to my cancelled vacation.

Its one of those sleepless nights again. Though hard at work and hardly had a rest today, It’s still very hard for the sandman to come my way and lull me to sleep. And so, in the middle of dark and humid night, as I am sitting on a log, in a middle of a lonely farm, staring at the stars, waiting for falling stars to come, suddenly,  a thought came to me. I JUST GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING. That’s what i thought. So I think again, while watching the stars. Then, came an airplane, which have passed my view. At first i thought it was an alien space craft, who came from buribor galaxy to abduct me. Then i realized, it was just a plane, plain and simple. And so i thought, its not the end of the world yet, at least not today.

  As i was watching that damn plane-that-i-thought-was-an-alien-spaceship, i suddenly remember that tomorrow i will be leaving for bangkok! and i havent even packed! nor washed my clothes! i only have 2 boxers in my drawer, i think! so there, tomorrow, first thing in the morning, i’ll do my laundry, pack at noon, and head to the airport before the sunset. Thats my short term plan. And my short term goal? try not to be late at the airport to catch my plane.

   Speaking of plans and goals, Gee, I guess, for now, all that i have are short term plans, and of course, short term goals. i used to dream big when I was younger. I wanted to be a scientist, therefore i got to have a master’s degree, and later on, a doctorate. i wanted to build a wildlife sanctuary, as big as makati city, in mindoro, to conserve its huge showcase of endangered wildlife. These are just two of my unrealized plans and goals. maybe what made me tired of my goals is that they are too damn big for me. So for now, im living my life one day at a time. Besides, my ultimate goal is to be HAPPY always. So i try to find happiness in little things, everyday things. And i wouldnt be happy if i’ll just be focusing on my long term goals and eventually ignoring things that matters to me most: MY OWN HAPPINESS, hehehe.

There. i thought this blog will never make sense. it still doesnt. i wonder why you read it to this very end. Anyways, be happy, and i’ll be happy for you too. i just cant sleep.